My anxiety level has been through the roof for nearly two weeks now as the numbers of infected continue to climb. I had to go out to the store yesterday, and I feel like I’m covered in COVID-19 even though I stripped, put everything in the hamper, and took a shower. Nothing seems like enough.
My father and I methodical scrubbed down bottles and cans or put some non-perishables in bags to be left a week. It took 2 hours just to process the incoming items. It was stressful.
Then this morning I woke up in a panic because I couldn’t breathe. I took my inhalers, but I couldn’t calm down. The more I panic, the harder it is for me to breathe. It’s awful. I believe it was all the cold air that aggravated my asthma…. I think. I’m terrified because I’m prone, and I live with two septuagenarians. One of whom has heart disease, atrial fibrillation, and has been mildly sick for 3 months.
My brother refused us any help with groceries and moralized with me over recent purchases as proof that I don’t deserve help. But, really he wrote us off a long time ago. He’s the only Aspie I know that really does have no empathy. Whether or not I “deserve” help, this is a crisis that is killing people. It feels like to him we are just loose ends that would be tied up if we all just died.
I was going to say I was stunned, but I’m really not. I was in a domestic violence situation before and asked for a place to stay. He offered me a weekend. What exactly was a weekend going to do in a situation like that? What kind of brother is this? What is family to this person? Apparently, we fundamentally disagree on major ethical issues, and he cannot be relied on for anything. We are officially on our own.
The sad thing to me is that before the DV situation response, if he ever needed anything I would have moved mountains to help any way I could. To me, that is what a friend does, and family does even more. I don’t understand who this bitter person is. I don’t want to know anymore.
I’m so exhausted from reading the news and watching the dipshit we call “president” expect “appreciation” and brag about his ratings. I can’t anymore. This is a nightmare, and we have the worst possible person in the position to make decisions that might save lives. Instead he’s blaming everyone but himself. What happened to the “the buck stops here”? Now it’s, “Well, I just think it’s a nasty question. And when you say me — I didn’t do it. We have a group of people I could — It’s my administration, but I could perhaps ask Tony about that, because I don’t know anything about it. I mean, you say we did that. I don’t know anything about it.” What the fuck kind of response is that?
Now he’s lying about hospital staff selling masks out the back door. Yes, really. And, he even denied the amount of ventilators needed in NY based on his feelings. Nothing regarding this virus should be about anyone’s feelings! People are dying. All he cares about is getting the country running because all that matter this narcissistic baboon is his re-election. He doesn’t care how many people die. He would sell his own children to avoid ending up back in NY facing indictment. It’s all about him. It’s always all about him.
I can’t but watch this and become more nervous about our future. I’ve literally sat in bed for days shivering in fear because this is going so badly. I keep debating which meds I can take and how often. I tried to take a step down because one adds more risk for respiratory infection, but unfortunately it is an anxiety med and without I was shaking even harder, snapping at family, and being generally miserable. So, I managed to drop it to two-thirds what I’m prescribed, but I just can’t manage any lower. I tried. But, now it’s another thing I worry about.